I can't sleep.
I hate this.
My body says sleep.
My brain says sleep.
My heart says fix what is wrong.
That's how God bothers me. He tells my body I need rest, but then makes my legs shaky and my heart pound and my mind race. I can't sleep like that.
What God? What do you want? Can't you see I'm trying to sleep? I'm trying to get some rest so I can do more fun stuff tomorrow.
Greta, that's exactly it.
You have not taken a minute for serious stuff.
That's cause it's the summer, I needed a break from serious. I needed to just let myself be free for a while.
WRONG Greta!
Satan has your mind thinking it is okay, it's not. You have wasted your summer on sleep and work and fun. I know you love me because you still have this excitement to sing my name and worship me and spread my word, but you have not studied it. You don't know how you can spread it. You have not grown in it. You are stuck. You are not pursuing anything right now. Not righteousness, not peace, not holiness. No ambition.
No ambition.
That's why I can't sleep. Right now I only find joy in sleeping and being with friends. Then it is done. How is that fulfilling? I need so much more. That is why I am awake.
I have a choice to make. Let God bother me to the point that I fall on the Word and grow or ignore the bother and spend more nights restless, waiting for the sheep on the wall to reach 100.
What will it be?
Will I choose to be honest with myself and fall at the cross for my ignorance of it the last several months?
Will I choose to continue blissfully in my ignorance?
It hurts.
It hurts my stomach to think about what I have not done and what I will do, if I do not do it in the Lord. I feel like I am going to throw up cause my God is bothering me in my stomach.
What have I done?
OR
What haven't I done?
I'm in love with my sin. I ignore the stomach aches and the sleepless nights because I love lying and deceiving and being full of myself (like a 13 year old boy) and not feeling bad about it.
I'm sorry. I'm so wrong. I am a liar. I am a deceiver. I am a robber. I am a killer. I am an adulterer. And I don't care.
Change me.
Make me see the weight.
You are awesome!
You have loved me this whole time?!
I don't get it. I am so unbelievably unlovable.
Your cross absorbed all of that?! How could I not care? Why did you let me not care?
Change me.
Why would I put my treasure in sleep or friends, when you love me at my worst possible times?
This is amazing Lord. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time.
My sin is great. Your mercy and sacrifice is infinitely greater. What an amazing hope!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I don't know what to say.
You have won.
Thank you for bothering me, until I saw your cross again.
"Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell
in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King,
the LORD of hosts."
Isaiah 6:5
"He was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that
brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned every one to his own way,
and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."
Isaiah 53:5-6
in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King,
the LORD of hosts."
Isaiah 6:5
"He was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that
brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned every one to his own way,
and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."
Isaiah 53:5-6
"Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven
where moths and rust do not destroy
and where thieves do not break in and steal.
For where your treasure is
there your heart will be also."
Matthew 6:20-21
"Whoever does not take his cross and follow me is
not worthy of me."
Matthew 9:38
"Little children abide in him, so that when he appears we may
have confidence and not shrink from him in shame
at his coming"
1 John 2:28
where moths and rust do not destroy
and where thieves do not break in and steal.
For where your treasure is
there your heart will be also."
Matthew 6:20-21
"Whoever does not take his cross and follow me is
not worthy of me."
Matthew 9:38
"Little children abide in him, so that when he appears we may
have confidence and not shrink from him in shame
at his coming"
1 John 2:28
Amen.
4 comments:
thank you for sharing Greta! Jesus is enough and he is so faithful in keeping us by his side even when we wander a bit.
I pray that you would continue to remember the Gospel and that by Jesus' wounds you are healed.
Love you!
Katie
WOW that encouraged me a ton today. thanks so much. =) praise God for His grace!
Greta!
Thanks so much for the encouragement. Love you,
Andrea
I love your posts-- they are so real and convicting to me personally. I could have probably written this same thing during many seasons of my life. It is so challenging to confront our sin and brokenness, but it brings so much depth of joy and understanding of the meaning of the Psalms. Your blogpost reminds me of the psalmist's struggle against sin and confrontation with God's love and mercy. Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Love you!
Courtney Wisdom
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