A Tearful Prayer

It's three 'o' clock in the the morning and I just had a great night of work, playing rook, listening to Christian music, and watching a half hour of a scary movie. I'm home alone. I am exhausted.

I can't sleep.

I hate this.

My body says sleep.

My brain says sleep.

My heart says fix what is wrong.

That's how God bothers me. He tells my body I need rest, but then makes my legs shaky and my heart pound and my mind race. I can't sleep like that.

What God? What do you want? Can't you see I'm trying to sleep? I'm trying to get some rest so I can do more fun stuff tomorrow.

Greta, that's exactly it.

You have not taken a minute for serious stuff.

That's cause it's the summer, I needed a break from serious. I needed to just let myself be free for a while.

WRONG Greta!

Satan has your mind thinking it is okay, it's not. You have wasted your summer on sleep and work and fun. I know you love me because you still have this excitement to sing my name and worship me and spread my word, but you have not studied it. You don't know how you can spread it. You have not grown in it. You are stuck. You are not pursuing anything right now. Not righteousness, not peace, not holiness. No ambition.

No ambition.

That's why I can't sleep. Right now I only find joy in sleeping and being with friends. Then it is done. How is that fulfilling? I need so much more. That is why I am awake.

I have a choice to make. Let God bother me to the point that I fall on the Word and grow or ignore the bother and spend more nights restless, waiting for the sheep on the wall to reach 100.

What will it be?

Will I choose to be honest with myself and fall at the cross for my ignorance of it the last several months?

Will I choose to continue blissfully in my ignorance?

It hurts.

It hurts my stomach to think about what I have not done and what I will do, if I do not do it in the Lord. I feel like I am going to throw up cause my God is bothering me in my stomach.

What have I done?

OR

What haven't I done?

I'm in love with my sin. I ignore the stomach aches and the sleepless nights because I love lying and deceiving and being full of myself (like a 13 year old boy) and not feeling bad about it.

I'm sorry. I'm so wrong. I am a liar. I am a deceiver. I am a robber. I am a killer. I am an adulterer. And I don't care.

Change me.

Make me see the weight.

You are awesome!

You have loved me this whole time?!

I don't get it. I am so unbelievably unlovable.

Your cross absorbed all of that?! How could I not care? Why did you let me not care?

Change me.

Why would I put my treasure in sleep or friends, when you love me at my worst possible times?

This is amazing Lord. It's like I'm seeing it for the first time.

My sin is great. Your mercy and sacrifice is infinitely greater. What an amazing hope!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't know what to say.

You have won.

Thank you for bothering me, until I saw your cross again.

"Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell
in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King,
the LORD of hosts."
Isaiah 6:5

"He was wounded for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that
brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned every one to his own way,
and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."
Isaiah 53:5-6

"Store up for yourselves treasures in heaven
where moths and rust do not destroy
and where thieves do not break in and steal.
For where your treasure is
there your heart will be also."
Matthew 6:20-21

"Whoever does not take his cross and follow me is
not worthy of me."
Matthew 9:38

"Little children abide in him, so that when he appears we may
have confidence and not shrink from him in shame
at his coming"
1 John 2:28

Amen.

Hmmm...

I feel it is time for me to update my blog. But, I don't really know what I'm going to say. Isn't that just great. Maybe if I just start writing it will flow.

Second semester is much harder than first semester, but I feel like I still have too much time on my hands, or at least I'm not using that time the best way. My classes are hard but I'm learning so much, so I guess I'm okay with the difficulty. I think God has challenged me in my classes to know what I believe and how to defend it.

A few weeks ago in my humanities class we were discussing Luther and Calvin and their impacts on the Reformation. Anyway, we got into a discussion on predestination and I felt like I should really figure out what I believe. But the more I tried to figure it out the more confused I became. That is deep and hard stuff that I'm not sure a theologian will ever understand let alone a little uninformed me. I think maybe that their are some things that God wants us to question, but he has them hidden from us for now so that one day in all his glory we will finally be able to understand it and be so awed by it. Another hard one of course is the trinity. One time I thought I understood it, but then my thought was quashed by my small human mind. We are here where we can only know so much, but we want to know everything. God has hidden certain things so that we will worship him more fully both now and when we die. This was definitely the challenge for the week, just trying to wrap my mind around what it is that God says in his word and what it is that he hides. God is so amazing and he continues to be so just because I don't know everything.

The fact that God does not reveal everything for us also shows me that he wants to keep me humble. I know that when I know something that other people don’t I rub it in. Maybe not outright rubbing but subtly I brag about how I know something they don’t. Or I bring it up in conversation so I can talk about it. If I knew everything it would make me like God. I do not want to be like God. I want God to be like God. He needs to be in control of everything. I hate it when I act like God. I hate it when I put me ahead of Him. Yet I always do it. Why? I’m a sinner. Oh man, if I knew everything or even more than I know now I think this world would be very messed up.

God works through discussion. Whether it is in class or with a friend he can make a conversation be fruitful to the soul. When we are challenged we are left to lean on God alone because he can bring us out and teach us whatever it is we need to learn. Most of the learning I have done this semester is not only applicable to my life as a student but it is applicable to my life as a believer being pushed around by the world.

Recently I was thinking about the weird ways God works. Even when we don't know it he is working in our hearts and while that may be weird it is sweet because when we don't care for him he still cares for us. I just think that is so sweet. I mean, while we were still sinners he died for us. And while we are continually ignoring him he pulls us back. There is nothing better than that.

I have also recently been thinking about marriage. I regularly listen to sermons by Mark Driscoll and almost all the time they are edifying to my soul. They teach me how to have Christ me the center. They teach me about the redemption that comes through Christ. And recently they have taught me about marriage. Marriage is about looking like the church and Christ. Christ has redeemed the church. Christ leads the church. Christ was obedient to his Father. The church follows Christ. The church is obedient to Christ. The church boasts in Christ. Christ boasts in his church. Someday, Lord-willing, I will have someone to lead me and someone to brag about, someone who has redeemed me. Someday, Lord-willing, someone will lead me and brag about me and know they have redeemed me. I can’t wait for that day.

Right now God is teaching me a lot. It has been good to really reflect on it.

Learning much in God’s grace,
Greta

Good thing God doesn't fail...I got that covered

Lets talk about how much stuff I fail at and how great it is that God gives me mercy.

Me:
Number 1/
I fail to recognize the weight of the Gospel.
Number 2/
I fail to run to the love that never fails.
Number 3/
I fail to live my life for Christ who gave his life so that I could live mine.
Number 4/
I fail to make decisions.
Number 5/
I fail to read my Bible everyday.
Number 6/
I fail to love and serve people the way Christ loves and serves them.
Number 7/
I fail to let Christ be the only God in my life
Number 8/
I fail to confess my sin.
Number 9/
I fail to enjoy what God has given me.
Number 10/
I fail to believe so hard that I'm willing to die for my beliefs.

God:
Number 1/
God gives me mercy to see the weight of the Gospel right when it is necessary.
Number 2/
God still shows me his never failing love, especially when mine fails.
Number 3/
Christ died that I might live.
Number 4/
God will give me mercy in the decisions I make so that they will glorify his name and bring me joy.
Number 5/
God reminds me of his Word even when I'm not in it.
Number 6/
Christ loves me perfectly and wants me to come to him (like the woman at the well) even with all my dirtiness. And he gives me people who still love me when I fail.
Number 7/
God mercifully shows me when I have things ahead of him.
Number 8/
God shows me my sin so powerfully that I can't help but confess.
Number 9/
God shows me all the good he has given me and makes me fall on my knees in thanks.
Number 10/
God will give me mercy to be willing to live for and die for Christ.

I cried a lot yesterday. I was mad that I sin. I was mad that God is so merciful. I was mad that I consistently walk away and he draws me back. True, this is weird anger, but even though I was mad at God he still loved me. It's amazing that I can walk away from that. It is disgusting that I can walk away from that. I need God to change my heart. I need God to change my life to better reflect his. I need to see his mercy. I need to grow. God, please help.

Resting in God's mercy cause my failure is terrible,
Greta

Second Semester, Second Try

Second semester has begun. Interim was easy and a good way of sort of easing back into school, but now it is over and its time to get back to the grind. I am excited to have some new and challenging classes, but I think the work will be hard. Although I am very excited to have classes that will challenge my viewpoints and my faith. I want to grow this semester in a different way because of the challenges I face.

Last night I read my Bible before I shut my eyes to sleep. Honestly, it was the first time in a long time that I opened up the book and really read it. I bowed my head beforehand and asked the Lord to please change my heart. I asked him to give me a passion for his word so that I can grow and learn and not feel dry anymore. It was hard to hear myself say that I was weak, but I know that as I acknowledged that my heart began to wholly lean on the name of Jesus. It was awesome. I asked the Lord to help me set aside time each day to spend with Him. Time that I will love and learn from him. I asked him to get me in a habit of spending time with him, but to not let it be a duty that I just check off each day, but a heartfelt desire to spend time in the Bible. I want to study and learn from my books in school and I wanna study and learn from the book that brings me life.

I think that the Lord will use this semester to help me grow as a person. I think I will grow spiritually and I think I will become a more well-rounded person through the classes I have and the way they challenge me. I'm taking a philosophy course that will challenge my views and my beliefs. I'm taking humanities which broadens my knowledge of the world and of the Lord. I'm taking a weight training course that will help me become a physically healthier person. And a Ceramics class, which will be interesting cause I am not good with my hands. And a biology course where I will get to see the work of God at a scientific level. I'm very excited to see how God works.

Although I am excited about the academics that are ahead of me I am not excited to make decisions and figure out what to do about some challenges I am facing. But, I trust that God will lead me to make smart decisions that glorify his name.

Anyway, this is just what I think the Lord is doing and will be doing in me this semester.

Hoping for a work in me,
Greta

Greta, don't dive you might hit your head

I haven't updated in a while. I apologize. I just haven't had the desire or the topics to write about. So what do I write about when I am stuck. Well, seeing as this blog is mostly about Jesus, maybe I should go there.

What does Jesus look like in 2009 in the life of Greta?

Let me be honest with you because maybe, Lord-willing, it will help me to be honest with myself. Right now I am dry. I am dry in the Word. I am dry in memorizing. I am dry at encouraging. I am dry. I need the Lord to fill my cup but I don't think I am letting him. I think instead I am choosing to fill my life with other things. With friends, schoolwork, blog posts, tv, movies. I could keep going probably and for a long time Jesus would not be on the list. Often times when I am struggling with something then I run to the Word, but it has not been a consistent time each day. It makes me sad. Because just earlier in the fall I felt like I was intense in the Word and now I don't really care. I would rather fill my time with more fun and entertaining things. That is really hard for me to say because I want to be filled with true joy in Christ, but instead I put myself in the position to not really care what is going into my heart. How can this happen after such a good fall? I think that God works even when i act like crap in a bag toward Him. Last night at church we sang a song, "How High, and How Wide." I think God used it to convict me...

No eye has seen and no ear has heard
and no mind has ever conceived
the glorious things that you have prepared
for everyone who has believed;
You brought us near and you called us your own,
and made us joint heirs with your Son.


How high and how wide
how deep and how long
how sweet and how strong is your love;
How lavish your grace
how faithful your ways
how great is your love, O Lord!


Objects of mercy, who should have know wrath,
we're filled with unspeakable joy,
riches of wisdom, unsearchable wealth,
and the wonder of knowing your voice;
You are our treasure and our great reward,
our hope and our glorious King.

God has prepared glorious things for me, and what do I do? I look for better things. What do I get for looking for better things? Worse less fulfilling things. Why do I still do it? Cause I think I'm just that cool and I can provide joy for myself. I am so proud of me that I am willing to seek lame joy. This has got to be the dumbest thing in the world. He brought me near. I did not bring me near. I should not be proud of me. I deserved death and he decided to bring me near and call me his own, call me a daughter. Do you know how amazing that is? Well I hope you do. I'm not sure I do. I think sometimes it hits me like a rock to the head, it hurts and I feel the magnitude for a long time, and sometimes it bounces off me like an airsoft pellet, it kinda hurts for a second but then its gone, so it isn't a big deal. I want it to be a big deal all the time. I want to feel the joy of being a daughter of Christ and I want to understand the pain He went through so that I could have that. It's amazing and it's amazing that sometimes I couldn't care less for it. God's love for me is high and wide, deep and long, sweet and strong. My love for God is low and thin, shallow and short, sour and weak. I pray I could feel the magnitude of his love compared to the minisculeness of mine and fall in deeper love with the fact that he doesn't care that my love is like that. He loved me first, he will always love me and I should find rest in that, but I should also love him more for giving me that love. God has lavished his grace upon me, and what do I do? I turn my face toward more tangible things. I want to turn my face toward his grace and rub my face in it and find eternal comfort in it. I am an object of mercy that should have known wrath. I should be burning in hell, but I am alive. I should be in pain, but I am not. This is mercy. This is great mercy. I want to feel that and know that and experience that. I want to be filled with unspeakable joy for being alive when I should be dead. I want to have richness in wisdom, but too often I am a fool. I pray God will work in my life so I can be wise. I want to know the wealth of knowing Christ, but too often I seek wealth in friends and family. I want to have that unsearchable wealth, where no one can find it except in Christ. I want Christ to be my treasure, my great reward, my hope and my glorious King. This is my prayer right now.

The reason I have titled the post, "Greta, don't dive you might hit your head" is because I want myself to understand that my love is shallow, so shallow that I could hurt myself in it. But God's love is deep. I want to dive into that pool of love. Where I am safe and can feel the weight of my sin be lifted off my shoulder.

If this post didn't make sense I'm sorry. I guess I just needed to write.

Going head first into God's love,
Greta