Greta, don't dive you might hit your head

I haven't updated in a while. I apologize. I just haven't had the desire or the topics to write about. So what do I write about when I am stuck. Well, seeing as this blog is mostly about Jesus, maybe I should go there.

What does Jesus look like in 2009 in the life of Greta?

Let me be honest with you because maybe, Lord-willing, it will help me to be honest with myself. Right now I am dry. I am dry in the Word. I am dry in memorizing. I am dry at encouraging. I am dry. I need the Lord to fill my cup but I don't think I am letting him. I think instead I am choosing to fill my life with other things. With friends, schoolwork, blog posts, tv, movies. I could keep going probably and for a long time Jesus would not be on the list. Often times when I am struggling with something then I run to the Word, but it has not been a consistent time each day. It makes me sad. Because just earlier in the fall I felt like I was intense in the Word and now I don't really care. I would rather fill my time with more fun and entertaining things. That is really hard for me to say because I want to be filled with true joy in Christ, but instead I put myself in the position to not really care what is going into my heart. How can this happen after such a good fall? I think that God works even when i act like crap in a bag toward Him. Last night at church we sang a song, "How High, and How Wide." I think God used it to convict me...

No eye has seen and no ear has heard
and no mind has ever conceived
the glorious things that you have prepared
for everyone who has believed;
You brought us near and you called us your own,
and made us joint heirs with your Son.


How high and how wide
how deep and how long
how sweet and how strong is your love;
How lavish your grace
how faithful your ways
how great is your love, O Lord!


Objects of mercy, who should have know wrath,
we're filled with unspeakable joy,
riches of wisdom, unsearchable wealth,
and the wonder of knowing your voice;
You are our treasure and our great reward,
our hope and our glorious King.

God has prepared glorious things for me, and what do I do? I look for better things. What do I get for looking for better things? Worse less fulfilling things. Why do I still do it? Cause I think I'm just that cool and I can provide joy for myself. I am so proud of me that I am willing to seek lame joy. This has got to be the dumbest thing in the world. He brought me near. I did not bring me near. I should not be proud of me. I deserved death and he decided to bring me near and call me his own, call me a daughter. Do you know how amazing that is? Well I hope you do. I'm not sure I do. I think sometimes it hits me like a rock to the head, it hurts and I feel the magnitude for a long time, and sometimes it bounces off me like an airsoft pellet, it kinda hurts for a second but then its gone, so it isn't a big deal. I want it to be a big deal all the time. I want to feel the joy of being a daughter of Christ and I want to understand the pain He went through so that I could have that. It's amazing and it's amazing that sometimes I couldn't care less for it. God's love for me is high and wide, deep and long, sweet and strong. My love for God is low and thin, shallow and short, sour and weak. I pray I could feel the magnitude of his love compared to the minisculeness of mine and fall in deeper love with the fact that he doesn't care that my love is like that. He loved me first, he will always love me and I should find rest in that, but I should also love him more for giving me that love. God has lavished his grace upon me, and what do I do? I turn my face toward more tangible things. I want to turn my face toward his grace and rub my face in it and find eternal comfort in it. I am an object of mercy that should have known wrath. I should be burning in hell, but I am alive. I should be in pain, but I am not. This is mercy. This is great mercy. I want to feel that and know that and experience that. I want to be filled with unspeakable joy for being alive when I should be dead. I want to have richness in wisdom, but too often I am a fool. I pray God will work in my life so I can be wise. I want to know the wealth of knowing Christ, but too often I seek wealth in friends and family. I want to have that unsearchable wealth, where no one can find it except in Christ. I want Christ to be my treasure, my great reward, my hope and my glorious King. This is my prayer right now.

The reason I have titled the post, "Greta, don't dive you might hit your head" is because I want myself to understand that my love is shallow, so shallow that I could hurt myself in it. But God's love is deep. I want to dive into that pool of love. Where I am safe and can feel the weight of my sin be lifted off my shoulder.

If this post didn't make sense I'm sorry. I guess I just needed to write.

Going head first into God's love,
Greta